‘Releasing Within’

The sun is so bright above, it gives me hope,

Erasing the past of which I can’t cope.

My heat paces steadily in my chest.

A deep breath reaches my ears

My eyes fill with tears,

I wish I could feel like this for years.

My soul is lifting above me it feels so right,

I’m disappearing, I’m leaving

My spirit feels so light.

Beneath it all I know I have to let this go,

but for right now I would rather take it slow.

Listen.

Take it all in. 

Let the peace dance on your skin,

Let me smile,

even if only for a little while.

Let me open my eyes to the world

See over the pain and gain a new view,

Inside I feel small warmth,

A glow.

Lost in my own imagination ,

I should know,

There is no way this happiness is to last

But I can’t help but grab on and be glad

What do I do with the little freedom I do have?

Dream.

To save myself from drowning in the tears I have dropped,

Thinking of all the people I have lost.

Sadness has taken over all my identity,

I don’t think I could find one little piece of me.

The outside of me is smiling as always,

But look inside my little brown eyes

And see the real girl, the one who cries.

The true soul within me tells no lies.

I have no choice to lay beneath,

the solid hurt that is buried so deep,

And sleep.

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Today

Go ahead and burn it down
So, today is Sunday.
I hate Sundays. I mean, come on! It’s like the gods are teasing us with this day before school starts.
It’s not right.

So, besides me being slightly upset about it being Sunday? Nothing’s really going on today. My feelings are all out of whack, of course. But that’s kind of normal by now, huh?

The REAL reason I wrote this blog is because..well, I wanted to write about my nightmares. To get some ideas about what’s uh, wrong with them? Well, I KNOW there’s something wrong with them, but more what they might mean…if that makes any sense.

So, I have this one nightmare, and I’m going to just give the main parts of it:
My mom abandons my brothers in a very dense forest by a river (Greg and Bailey)
They’re out there for weeks
Greg goes crazy
Beats Bailey to death (seeing your brother being beaten? ESPECIALLY when you have a very vivid imagination?
It fucking sucks, excuse my language)
Comes to his senses
End of nightmare

Yes, I know. It’s not pleasant to think about. Or imagine. But, basically all I’ve gotten from my mom about this is and I quote, “that’s weird”. Oh yeah, Mom thanks for the great help! I so appreciate it! Sometimes, I think she really could care less. But that’s a topic for another blog.

I’m drunk, and so is everyone else in this devil town

One Thing

I have one thing (or at least one topic) to say in this blog: you don’t know me..and you never truly will. That goes out to everyone, including my family/friends, I do mean EVERYONE. I’ve become the girl everyone wants to know and be around, I act day after day and believe me..I’m a freaking ace at it. People know fake-Shelby, not the real one. If I was “real” around people..they’d want me institutionalized. No. Kidding. Sometimes I actually think I should be put in a mental house..but then I think of the happiness I bring to other people. That’s what truly keeps me going and I will continue to hold on to that idea. People NEED me, maybe only in a very, very minuscule way but at least that’s SOMETHING. Something is better..than nothing, I would like to think – so don’t burst my bubble people. You’re only making it harder on me. I have those days when the truth comes crashing down (this happens to be one of those, hence the angry/upset blog) and I realize I’m not NEEDED, just wanted so I can make OTHER people, who generally are the ones who make my day hell, mind you, happy! Now, where the fuck is the justice in that?! The answer is: it keeps me going, so should I really be bitching? No. Not at all. But, it still feels unfair to me at times…God, does it make me so angry sometimes! I just can’t understand why some people (like me) have so much expected out of them! Once you set the bar high enough, you can never get away from it – you must ALWAYS meet your mark. There’s no re-dos, no second chance. I envy people who are slackers, or just lazy. You get a LOT, you know. Whereas, the people who work their asses off for others..they don’t really get much at all. There never seems to be anything in return for us.
-Shelby-

My Mask

Life sucks. Really, truly, freaking sucks.

And if it doesn’t for you, I seriously envy you and may want to kill you. (Just a little.) Or at least make it suck, just a little.

I have friends. I have enemies.

I have people who won’t talk to me, I have people who talk behind my back, and I have people who will just barely nod at me, or maybe give a rare, “Hey.”

I have a few good friends, and maybe, maybe one or two that I really talk to.

And that one or two, they don’t know a damn thing, cause I just don’t talk that much. Well, I do talk (a freaking LOT, according to some people), but it’s mostly just stupid stuff. Conversations are hardly ever really meaningful with me. Mostly because I feel like I give up too much information if it a conversation gets serious.

I seem like a really outgoing person. I get into stuff. I wear stuff that makes me stand out. I don’t pretend to be part of the background.

I’ve just really made this great big shell. Or wall. Or something. I know exactly how quickly people who you thought were friends can turn on you.

I know what heartbreak is. I know what true despair is. I even know how to keep a smile on my face when I’m screaming inside, or being shredded apart.

In short, I’m much more complex than I appear. And if you didn’t know me before the bright, printed shirts and smiles, you wouldn’t know.

Cause I’m just that good at acting. It takes years of practice, but I got it down pat. It’s actually easy to plaster on a bright smile now, when I get two hours of sleep a night, when I have horrible nightmares that come from no where. Smiles are easy. Sometimes it surprises me that no one sees through them, but sometimes it doesn’t.

I’ve distanced myself from people. From feeling. And I seriously know that I have. And I know it’s not good. In fact, I know it’s really bad.

I’m sick of pretending. My mask has cracked. And is falling to pieces.

Just Sad

Can anyone JUST be sad? Does there have to be a reason for everything? I think that some people are naturally…sad/crabby/fussy whatever word you want to use. I don’t think something has to happen for them to be sad, some people just have “sad days”.

There shouldn’t always have to be a reason for someone to feel a certain way. But, that’s how our society is nowadays, there MUST be a reason, and if you can’t provide one then you can’t do it.

So, what have I been up to lately? Absolutely nothing 😉 Well, I’ve been writing some more poetry and drawing a lot more lately…even if it doesn’t come out good, I can still attempt, ya know? I might post the “The Walking Dream” later, depending on how it comes out. Surprisingly enough, my happiness-meter (lol!) is pretty high right now, I’m trying to focus on happier thoughts and not letting everything get to me.

However, the problem with suppressing bad ideas/feelings is that they come out in a explosion later…which isn’t such a good thing. I’ve been testing peoples patience’s lately, that’s for sure. Some of them deserve it, some don’t, but either way it’s not cool.

“Now, I’m heels over head, I’m hanging upside down, thinking how you left me for dead – California bound! And when you hit the coast, I hope you think of me and how I’m stuck here with the ghost of what we used to be.” -Boys Like Girls
For being such a peppy, happy-sounding song, it’s actually kind of depressing (the lyrics). The poor guy was ditched by his girlfriend! Boys Like Girls always puts me in a good mood, though – their songs are always peppy or at least truthful – music in general puts me in a good mood, though

Believe

I refuse to be another statistic. I will not harm myself. I will not be THAT girl. That is not me.

What’s really sad? I can’t even believe myself, anymore. I wish..that I wasn’t so sad all the time. I wish I didn’t have to DEAL, ya know? Why does everything have to be so hard, but in reality I’M the one making it difficult? Can’t everyone just get along for five seconds? Can there be peace for five seconds? No, there cannot apparently. People…cannot grasp something they do not want to hear.