‘Releasing Within’

The sun is so bright above, it gives me hope,

Erasing the past of which I can’t cope.

My heat paces steadily in my chest.

A deep breath reaches my ears

My eyes fill with tears,

I wish I could feel like this for years.

My soul is lifting above me it feels so right,

I’m disappearing, I’m leaving

My spirit feels so light.

Beneath it all I know I have to let this go,

but for right now I would rather take it slow.

Listen.

Take it all in. 

Let the peace dance on your skin,

Let me smile,

even if only for a little while.

Let me open my eyes to the world

See over the pain and gain a new view,

Inside I feel small warmth,

A glow.

Lost in my own imagination ,

I should know,

There is no way this happiness is to last

But I can’t help but grab on and be glad

What do I do with the little freedom I do have?

Dream.

To save myself from drowning in the tears I have dropped,

Thinking of all the people I have lost.

Sadness has taken over all my identity,

I don’t think I could find one little piece of me.

The outside of me is smiling as always,

But look inside my little brown eyes

And see the real girl, the one who cries.

The true soul within me tells no lies.

I have no choice to lay beneath,

the solid hurt that is buried so deep,

And sleep.

Tearing At The Walls

I’m tearing at the walls, blaring out the calls.

Don’t you listen?

I’m shouting out the words, doubting so preferred.

Can’t you hear?

I’m screaming out of my lungs, dreaming the unsung.

Didn’t you notice?

I’m collapsed on the floor, time elapsed I’m unsure.

Wouldn’t you help?

I’m crying with no tears, dying in the face of fears.

Couldn’t you care?

I’m sighing my last, bidding goodbye to the past.

Won’t you acknowledge?

Coming Back

What’s really sad is that it’s easier to be peppy-happy, to be fake, than it is to be normal. To be me. To just be.

I tired of people seeing me when they have a crappy day, and getting mad, because their life is ‘so much harder’ than mine.

Quite honestly, I like being happy and peppy. It’s easy. Much easier than one would think. I like feeling happy. Okay, so it’s not true happy, just pretend happy, but still. I like feeling… light. Airy. That’s happy, right?

Maybe when you’re happy, you feel airy cause you’re not weighed down by the bad stuff. Or you force yourself to forget that the weight is there. Which is really easy to do sometimes. People or places or just having something to occupy yourself with can make you forget, even if it’s only for a moment. And sometimes, you can’t help but look forward to those chaste moments.

Do you hide like me? Behind this great big smile, that great big smile that somehow never reaches my eyes?

Do you look carefully for those happy moments? I know I do. But the thing is, they always come when you don’t expect them. When you’re not looking for them. Always.

Are you sick of feeling alone? Feeling… numb?

I have. For a while. Maybe I’m just chicken to admit it, but I am. I’m sick of being the one who is in a seemingly-never-ending good mood. Because, it’s not a good mood. That smile?

It’s just a mask.

I keep coming back to that. The mask.

Somehow, I’ll keep it off, for maybe a day, maybe two.

And somehow, I won’t even notice when it’s back.

But, I do have one outlet. For the me, the one that’s real, no matter if she’s smiling or screaming. I have this stack of poetry. I’m not kidding, it’s a freaking huge stack of poetry. I don’t write it very often, but when I do, it just keeps coming. (And coming… and coming… and coming…)

I suppose it’s a good thing that I have something like that, but if someone read it, they’d think I was suicidal. Or nuts. Or something along those lines.

But the thing is, I know I’m not alone like this. Okay, yeah, I’m pretty sure most of you don’t have loose-leaf papers stuffed under your mattress, or in your dresser drawers.

But I do know this:

I’m human. And so are you. And it doesn’t matter how often you feel human; feel alive. Because no matter what you feel, you still are.

So long as your heart is beating, you’re alive.

And so long as you’re alive, you’re not alone. Even if you’re in the dark.

Even if you’re confronting your own demons, be they inside you, or not. Of course, if you’re like me, it’s a little of each.

I’ve yet to confront all my demons. Sure, I’ve faced off a few, but hey! I won.

There might not have been this big huge battle, at least, not one to see, to watch, to spectate, but there was.

Nobody gets through a battle unscarred. Scars just come with the terriotory.

And ya know, sometimes, scars have fun stories behind them. Even if they’re scars on your heart, where no one can see unless you let them, or if they’re on your skin, where the world can see.

One Thing

I have one thing (or at least one topic) to say in this blog: you don’t know me..and you never truly will. That goes out to everyone, including my family/friends, I do mean EVERYONE. I’ve become the girl everyone wants to know and be around, I act day after day and believe me..I’m a freaking ace at it. People know fake-Shelby, not the real one. If I was “real” around people..they’d want me institutionalized. No. Kidding. Sometimes I actually think I should be put in a mental house..but then I think of the happiness I bring to other people. That’s what truly keeps me going and I will continue to hold on to that idea. People NEED me, maybe only in a very, very minuscule way but at least that’s SOMETHING. Something is better..than nothing, I would like to think – so don’t burst my bubble people. You’re only making it harder on me. I have those days when the truth comes crashing down (this happens to be one of those, hence the angry/upset blog) and I realize I’m not NEEDED, just wanted so I can make OTHER people, who generally are the ones who make my day hell, mind you, happy! Now, where the fuck is the justice in that?! The answer is: it keeps me going, so should I really be bitching? No. Not at all. But, it still feels unfair to me at times…God, does it make me so angry sometimes! I just can’t understand why some people (like me) have so much expected out of them! Once you set the bar high enough, you can never get away from it – you must ALWAYS meet your mark. There’s no re-dos, no second chance. I envy people who are slackers, or just lazy. You get a LOT, you know. Whereas, the people who work their asses off for others..they don’t really get much at all. There never seems to be anything in return for us.
-Shelby-

Blind

Some people…can’t see how they damage others, how they emotionally effect people. It’s never THEIR fault, it’s the other’s for being “overly emotional”. That pisses me off. A lot. People need to learn to take responsibility for their words as well as their actions. Haven’t you ever heard “think before you speak?” or “Don’t do onto others what you wouldn’t want done onto yourself”? It’s a simple theory..don’t say something that you KNOW will hurt someone’s feelings, no matter if you didn’t mean it that way. What matters is how they took it, not what you possibly meant. Some people are just blind to other’s feelings, and that just makes me so mad! Ah, it’s like why would you even say that? All you managed to do was make someone feel like crap. Sometimes people just make me so mad >_<

Anyways..besides being blind to others feelings, I don't have much to rant about today. In fact, I've been having a pretty damn good week, so I haven't really even been on WordPress, but whatever. I'll try to keep updating my blog but sometimes I really don't have the time or any thoughts.

Slipping Away

Well, if there’s one thing that can be said about all people it’s that no one wants to hear something’s wrong with them. It’s common knowledge, wrong = bad. Lately..I’ve been feeling less in control than usual. I know, I know..no one’s REALLY in control of anything, but shouldn’t I be in (somewhat?) control of my thoughts and feelings? It kind of feels like I’m not really ME anymore, it’s kind of hard to explain. I know that sounds weird, “You’re you but not you? Um…?” and is a bit confusing, but that’s my current feeling on life right now. Something’s not right, and I’m not quite sure what’s wrong, maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s everyone.
I feel like part of me is slipping away…my creative part to be exact. Every time I draw or write something it seems I’m correctly it about a thousand times over. It used to be: I would write/draw something and that was that, I didn’t have to go back and “fix” everything little thing about it, until it became something else entirely.

So, what else is up with me besides my mental state going to ruins? Well, nothing much actually. My life is pretty damn boring it seems. I mean, all I did yesterday was READ when I got home, I didn’t bother to answer anyone’s texts or anything…speaking of which! TEXTING! Why does every single person have to text?! Whatever happened to just plain old phone calls? Or talking face-to-face? Our versions of contact with people have completely changed in the last like five years, and to tell you the truth I’d rather actually talk to someone then text..you lose all emotion in text! Oh, yes I know..you have emoticons and actions and stuff, but it’s really not the same.

Bah, I hate you as much as you hate me

Hate is a very strong word…or that’s at least what my second grade teacher used to say. I’m still not sure if Mrs. Moore knew what she was talking about, though. I mean, I was like 7? Who cares if I say hate? “No, Shelby it’s ‘strong dislike’..” You know what I have to say to that? I don’t care! Every little kid says hate as if they’re a teenager using curse words. But now..years later, I have to agree with Mrs. Moore, hate is a strong word that should be used cautiously, or really, not at all. I might “hate” something now, but once you think everything through, it’s just a really strong dislike 🙂

Previous Older Entries