Coming Back

What’s really sad is that it’s easier to be peppy-happy, to be fake, than it is to be normal. To be me. To just be.

I tired of people seeing me when they have a crappy day, and getting mad, because their life is ‘so much harder’ than mine.

Quite honestly, I like being happy and peppy. It’s easy. Much easier than one would think. I like feeling happy. Okay, so it’s not true happy, just pretend happy, but still. I like feeling… light. Airy. That’s happy, right?

Maybe when you’re happy, you feel airy cause you’re not weighed down by the bad stuff. Or you force yourself to forget that the weight is there. Which is really easy to do sometimes. People or places or just having something to occupy yourself with can make you forget, even if it’s only for a moment. And sometimes, you can’t help but look forward to those chaste moments.

Do you hide like me? Behind this great big smile, that great big smile that somehow never reaches my eyes?

Do you look carefully for those happy moments? I know I do. But the thing is, they always come when you don’t expect them. When you’re not looking for them. Always.

Are you sick of feeling alone? Feeling… numb?

I have. For a while. Maybe I’m just chicken to admit it, but I am. I’m sick of being the one who is in a seemingly-never-ending good mood. Because, it’s not a good mood. That smile?

It’s just a mask.

I keep coming back to that. The mask.

Somehow, I’ll keep it off, for maybe a day, maybe two.

And somehow, I won’t even notice when it’s back.

But, I do have one outlet. For the me, the one that’s real, no matter if she’s smiling or screaming. I have this stack of poetry. I’m not kidding, it’s a freaking huge stack of poetry. I don’t write it very often, but when I do, it just keeps coming. (And coming… and coming… and coming…)

I suppose it’s a good thing that I have something like that, but if someone read it, they’d think I was suicidal. Or nuts. Or something along those lines.

But the thing is, I know I’m not alone like this. Okay, yeah, I’m pretty sure most of you don’t have loose-leaf papers stuffed under your mattress, or in your dresser drawers.

But I do know this:

I’m human. And so are you. And it doesn’t matter how often you feel human; feel alive. Because no matter what you feel, you still are.

So long as your heart is beating, you’re alive.

And so long as you’re alive, you’re not alone. Even if you’re in the dark.

Even if you’re confronting your own demons, be they inside you, or not. Of course, if you’re like me, it’s a little of each.

I’ve yet to confront all my demons. Sure, I’ve faced off a few, but hey! I won.

There might not have been this big huge battle, at least, not one to see, to watch, to spectate, but there was.

Nobody gets through a battle unscarred. Scars just come with the terriotory.

And ya know, sometimes, scars have fun stories behind them. Even if they’re scars on your heart, where no one can see unless you let them, or if they’re on your skin, where the world can see.

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Blind

Some people…can’t see how they damage others, how they emotionally effect people. It’s never THEIR fault, it’s the other’s for being “overly emotional”. That pisses me off. A lot. People need to learn to take responsibility for their words as well as their actions. Haven’t you ever heard “think before you speak?” or “Don’t do onto others what you wouldn’t want done onto yourself”? It’s a simple theory..don’t say something that you KNOW will hurt someone’s feelings, no matter if you didn’t mean it that way. What matters is how they took it, not what you possibly meant. Some people are just blind to other’s feelings, and that just makes me so mad! Ah, it’s like why would you even say that? All you managed to do was make someone feel like crap. Sometimes people just make me so mad >_<

Anyways..besides being blind to others feelings, I don't have much to rant about today. In fact, I've been having a pretty damn good week, so I haven't really even been on WordPress, but whatever. I'll try to keep updating my blog but sometimes I really don't have the time or any thoughts.

Cutter

Hmm…cutting? People have SO many opinions about this certain topic that I figured I’d give mine. People tend to think that any cutter is (1) looking for attention/pity, (2) needs to be put in a mental hospital, or (3) put on anti-psychotic meds. Well, I disagree. I’ve cut myself since I was 11 (maybe 12?) and just recently stopped, and believe me was it hard. Once you get SO used to doing something to release pain or to get away for awhile (a lot of people have compared cutting to a gateway drug) it’s incredibly hard to realize that you HAVE to quit. It’s not healthy at all to mutilate yourself because of your feelings, no matter how terrible or sad they might seem. You need to find a creative/healthy/positive source of energy. My advice to any cutter is always the same thing: find a hobby. You have to draw attention away from the need to cut, you have to find something else to get your feelings out to. Friends seem to be the best bet with most people, find a good friend and just TALK. I know it sounds corny, but the fact of the matter is: it works. Feelings aren’t meant to be bottled up, they always will come out eventually and sometimes in a form you may or may not like. Blowing up at people because they say the wrong thing? Not the way to go. Even now, I still have those problems..curing yourself of emotional release is NOT easy, not at all. It’s not as simple as “talking it out” because you have to continue to do it, it’s not a one-shot deal. People who cut…sometimes they truly are just looking for attention and that gives the rest of us a bad stigma. To the people who cut for attention: stop! If you want attention THAT bad, then you need to figure out another way of doing it because it’s not fair to the people who actually need help, who actually cannot help themselves. Cutting is a very unhealthy release and more needs to be done instead of just putting kids on meds…you can’t expect every child to react the same way, and putting every single cutter on them is not the answer.

Well, that was my rant for the day…

Oh! By the way, my heart goes out to the people involved in the Austin plane crash, I live literally a block away from where it happened and it was devastating to watch. So far, only a few people have been rushed to the hospital and no one has died…I’m not sure about the pilot, though. Apparently, he purposely hit the IRS building, because he was mad at the government and beforehand he set his house on fire. So everyone is calling intentional, but not a terrorist attack.