Blood

Red

Painful

Release.

Do you need it?

She thinks not.

The release is key, she tells me.

It lets her be free.

No.

What are you holding

With such burden?

Is it…

Anger?

Frustration?

Shame?

Or is it an addiction?

Does it make you feel better to hurt someone?

To hurt yourself?

To release the vital fluid that keeps you alive?

Why do you play with death?

She says she doesn’t want to hurt us.

Then why does my heart tear with every little scar on her arms?

Her legs,

Her chest.

They’re scarred.

And abused.

By herself.

She leaves us nothing whole to build from.

Us, her friends.

The ones who care.

Come, talk to us.

We know you’re hurting.

You’re slipping.

The red gashes hold no friction.

Only pain.

And regret.

And hurt.

Come, talk to us.

Yell at us until your lungs grow dry and weak.

Scream at us until the agony has released itself.

But, please…

If you care,

As we know you do,

Stop hurting yourself.

Put the blade down.

Dystopia

Bright colored tights, in a world full of slacks

Posters are staring. The government’s breathing down her back,

Forcing ice shards to implant, multiply and shock

Ears so keen, she can hear the clock’s tick-tock

Breathe deeply. Calm your mind.

Don’t let the officers catch you this time

You’re singing songs that can’t be sung,

Ringing bells, to old to be rung.

Let freedom ring! You sing. Like it used to.

Let smiles shine! You cry. Like in secrecy they do.

Let her bleed! The conformists yell. Like she should.

Take her life! The dictator wails. Like ours she would.

And she agrees, because she knows it’s true.

She’d kill to bring freedom to you.

‘Releasing Within’

The sun is so bright above, it gives me hope,

Erasing the past of which I can’t cope.

My heat paces steadily in my chest.

A deep breath reaches my ears

My eyes fill with tears,

I wish I could feel like this for years.

My soul is lifting above me it feels so right,

I’m disappearing, I’m leaving

My spirit feels so light.

Beneath it all I know I have to let this go,

but for right now I would rather take it slow.

Listen.

Take it all in. 

Let the peace dance on your skin,

Let me smile,

even if only for a little while.

Let me open my eyes to the world

See over the pain and gain a new view,

Inside I feel small warmth,

A glow.

Lost in my own imagination ,

I should know,

There is no way this happiness is to last

But I can’t help but grab on and be glad

What do I do with the little freedom I do have?

Dream.

To save myself from drowning in the tears I have dropped,

Thinking of all the people I have lost.

Sadness has taken over all my identity,

I don’t think I could find one little piece of me.

The outside of me is smiling as always,

But look inside my little brown eyes

And see the real girl, the one who cries.

The true soul within me tells no lies.

I have no choice to lay beneath,

the solid hurt that is buried so deep,

And sleep.

Stranger

Count the days that pass me by
How long will it take to leave this place
Shrill reminders of how you didn’t try
There is nothing left and I have lost all hope

For what you have done is beyond okay
To hide such dark truths and still you smile
How easy it could have been for him to say
Her innocence would have shattered that day

I watch from afar and seek it out
That small part of you that used to be
How I wish their was nothing to doubt
But it is gone and you are a stranger to me

So I sit by my window
Stare into the night sky
It is my only reminder
That not everything is a lie

The sky will remain true
Lead me far away from you

Coming Back

What’s really sad is that it’s easier to be peppy-happy, to be fake, than it is to be normal. To be me. To just be.

I tired of people seeing me when they have a crappy day, and getting mad, because their life is ‘so much harder’ than mine.

Quite honestly, I like being happy and peppy. It’s easy. Much easier than one would think. I like feeling happy. Okay, so it’s not true happy, just pretend happy, but still. I like feeling… light. Airy. That’s happy, right?

Maybe when you’re happy, you feel airy cause you’re not weighed down by the bad stuff. Or you force yourself to forget that the weight is there. Which is really easy to do sometimes. People or places or just having something to occupy yourself with can make you forget, even if it’s only for a moment. And sometimes, you can’t help but look forward to those chaste moments.

Do you hide like me? Behind this great big smile, that great big smile that somehow never reaches my eyes?

Do you look carefully for those happy moments? I know I do. But the thing is, they always come when you don’t expect them. When you’re not looking for them. Always.

Are you sick of feeling alone? Feeling… numb?

I have. For a while. Maybe I’m just chicken to admit it, but I am. I’m sick of being the one who is in a seemingly-never-ending good mood. Because, it’s not a good mood. That smile?

It’s just a mask.

I keep coming back to that. The mask.

Somehow, I’ll keep it off, for maybe a day, maybe two.

And somehow, I won’t even notice when it’s back.

But, I do have one outlet. For the me, the one that’s real, no matter if she’s smiling or screaming. I have this stack of poetry. I’m not kidding, it’s a freaking huge stack of poetry. I don’t write it very often, but when I do, it just keeps coming. (And coming… and coming… and coming…)

I suppose it’s a good thing that I have something like that, but if someone read it, they’d think I was suicidal. Or nuts. Or something along those lines.

But the thing is, I know I’m not alone like this. Okay, yeah, I’m pretty sure most of you don’t have loose-leaf papers stuffed under your mattress, or in your dresser drawers.

But I do know this:

I’m human. And so are you. And it doesn’t matter how often you feel human; feel alive. Because no matter what you feel, you still are.

So long as your heart is beating, you’re alive.

And so long as you’re alive, you’re not alone. Even if you’re in the dark.

Even if you’re confronting your own demons, be they inside you, or not. Of course, if you’re like me, it’s a little of each.

I’ve yet to confront all my demons. Sure, I’ve faced off a few, but hey! I won.

There might not have been this big huge battle, at least, not one to see, to watch, to spectate, but there was.

Nobody gets through a battle unscarred. Scars just come with the terriotory.

And ya know, sometimes, scars have fun stories behind them. Even if they’re scars on your heart, where no one can see unless you let them, or if they’re on your skin, where the world can see.

Poetry Anyone?

I have found a great new release…
POETRY
Yes, yes I realize that it’s a total cliche: sad girl writes a bunch of sad poetry to make herself feel better, but you know what? I don’t care what you think, you don’t have to read my blog. WOW..just being able to SAY that makes me feel so much better, maybe my so-called release will actually be beneficial! Well anyways, back to poetry. I’m trying to figure out a way to incorporate more depth into my poems and not so much figurative language. It’s not as nearly easy as it seems to find phrases that actually make sense to what you’re saying. So, I guess what I’m getting at is not everything has to be face-deep. There’s always another meaning behind it, you just have to look for it. People don’t stop to look, though…they don’t want to know the “other meanings”, they want every little thing to be spelled out for them in bold print so they know EXACTLY what’s going on. Well, you know what I have to say to that? TOO BAD!
I’ve never been one to judge people harshly…it’s not fair to be hypocritical, but that really does make me angry! You can’t expect me to tell you WHY all the damn time. It doesn’t work that way, figure it out for yourself every now and then, it’s not that difficult. Well, that was my rant for the day.. 🙂