My Mask

Life sucks. Really, truly, freaking sucks.

And if it doesn’t for you, I seriously envy you and may want to kill you. (Just a little.) Or at least make it suck, just a little.

I have friends. I have enemies.

I have people who won’t talk to me, I have people who talk behind my back, and I have people who will just barely nod at me, or maybe give a rare, “Hey.”

I have a few good friends, and maybe, maybe one or two that I really talk to.

And that one or two, they don’t know a damn thing, cause I just don’t talk that much. Well, I do talk (a freaking LOT, according to some people), but it’s mostly just stupid stuff. Conversations are hardly ever really meaningful with me. Mostly because I feel like I give up too much information if it a conversation gets serious.

I seem like a really outgoing person. I get into stuff. I wear stuff that makes me stand out. I don’t pretend to be part of the background.

I’ve just really made this great big shell. Or wall. Or something. I know exactly how quickly people who you thought were friends can turn on you.

I know what heartbreak is. I know what true despair is. I even know how to keep a smile on my face when I’m screaming inside, or being shredded apart.

In short, I’m much more complex than I appear. And if you didn’t know me before the bright, printed shirts and smiles, you wouldn’t know.

Cause I’m just that good at acting. It takes years of practice, but I got it down pat. It’s actually easy to plaster on a bright smile now, when I get two hours of sleep a night, when I have horrible nightmares that come from no where. Smiles are easy. Sometimes it surprises me that no one sees through them, but sometimes it doesn’t.

I’ve distanced myself from people. From feeling. And I seriously know that I have. And I know it’s not good. In fact, I know it’s really bad.

I’m sick of pretending. My mask has cracked. And is falling to pieces.

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Cutter

Hmm…cutting? People have SO many opinions about this certain topic that I figured I’d give mine. People tend to think that any cutter is (1) looking for attention/pity, (2) needs to be put in a mental hospital, or (3) put on anti-psychotic meds. Well, I disagree. I’ve cut myself since I was 11 (maybe 12?) and just recently stopped, and believe me was it hard. Once you get SO used to doing something to release pain or to get away for awhile (a lot of people have compared cutting to a gateway drug) it’s incredibly hard to realize that you HAVE to quit. It’s not healthy at all to mutilate yourself because of your feelings, no matter how terrible or sad they might seem. You need to find a creative/healthy/positive source of energy. My advice to any cutter is always the same thing: find a hobby. You have to draw attention away from the need to cut, you have to find something else to get your feelings out to. Friends seem to be the best bet with most people, find a good friend and just TALK. I know it sounds corny, but the fact of the matter is: it works. Feelings aren’t meant to be bottled up, they always will come out eventually and sometimes in a form you may or may not like. Blowing up at people because they say the wrong thing? Not the way to go. Even now, I still have those problems..curing yourself of emotional release is NOT easy, not at all. It’s not as simple as “talking it out” because you have to continue to do it, it’s not a one-shot deal. People who cut…sometimes they truly are just looking for attention and that gives the rest of us a bad stigma. To the people who cut for attention: stop! If you want attention THAT bad, then you need to figure out another way of doing it because it’s not fair to the people who actually need help, who actually cannot help themselves. Cutting is a very unhealthy release and more needs to be done instead of just putting kids on meds…you can’t expect every child to react the same way, and putting every single cutter on them is not the answer.

Well, that was my rant for the day…

Oh! By the way, my heart goes out to the people involved in the Austin plane crash, I live literally a block away from where it happened and it was devastating to watch. So far, only a few people have been rushed to the hospital and no one has died…I’m not sure about the pilot, though. Apparently, he purposely hit the IRS building, because he was mad at the government and beforehand he set his house on fire. So everyone is calling intentional, but not a terrorist attack.